Lost Causes and Desperate Situations
by conjure-at-your-own-risk
Summary: There was a sisterhood of demonic nuns out there, who knew?


**AN: Title is alluding to Saint Jude, which I somehow know despite being raised Ashkenazi Jewish.**

**Disclaimer**: I'm 4'8 and less than a hundred pounds—dude, I'm more Murphy than Butcher.

**Title**: Lost Causes and Desperate Situations

**Word Count**: 671

**Summary**: There was a sisterhood of demonic nuns out there, who knew?

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><p>"Harry!"<p>

"Working on it!" I shouted. I waved my staff in a semicircle around me. "Take that, you bastards—_fuego!"_

One of the nuns screamed as her habit was set on fire. Her demonic sisters hissed, revealing pointy fangs and forked tongues. I yelped and backed into Murphy who was fighting off more of the sisterhood with a holy water gun—courtesy of Father Forthill. It wasn't like these nuns made a consensual choice of becoming puppets to some demonic entities. It would be wrong to shoot them if there was exorcism as another available option. We just had to knock them out long enough to banish the wiggy, and save the squalling baby that was left alone on a makeshift black altar.

You know, our usual Friday night stuff.

I mean, normal people did bowling with their friends or dates, but Murphy and I were saving the life of some special baby—we were even rescuing some nuns! We were the unsung heroes and were probably saving the world!

But I was feeling a lot less charitable as one of the nuns started throwing black flames at me.

Oh, come _on_! I ducked another blast of fire and said some things that I shouldn't be saying in an abandoned church.

Murphy twisted and took aim. The blessed water struck one of the fire-throwing nuns squarely between the eyes. Boils and steam erupted over her face, causing her to drop her hands and howl in pain. Her skin bubbled and black veins appeared under the surface.

"Makes you think twice about going to church, doesn't?" I said and whacked another nun over the head. She collapsed at my feet in a twitching pile of limbs.

"Really, Harry?" Murphy broke away and took aim at one of the nuns that reached for the baby with her anathema. She screamed as she fell down the steps. "What happened to that sleeping spell you were working on?"

"Um." I wasn't going to tell her that I had lost it in the car chase up here. One moment I had it in the picket of my duster, the next I had it littering the floor of the Beetle. Thankfully, a distraction appeared. "Behind you!" I pointed my staff over her head and blasted the leaping nun into a nearby wall.

Now nuns pulling some nutty Jackie Chan moves, that was unnatural.

We had three members of the Sisterhood of Insert Demonic Name Here left. Murphy was running low with her super soaker, and I was feeling groggy from inhaling some of the homemade Tooth Fairy dust and from the constant fighting.

"Got a plan?" I asked her.

Murphy frowned. "Make a diversion and I'll grab the baby."

"And leave me here in their clutches? How unchristian of you!"

"Suck it. I'm Catholic." Without warning me, she pushed herself through the nuns and went for the super special baby.

"I never went to Sunday School!" I cried. I swept one startled nun off her feet and made the runes on my staff crackle with fire. "Yeah, I'm thinking about it," I warned to the others. "Another step and you'll be seeing Saint Elmo's fire."

Her sisters backed away.

I knocked the nun out with a well-placed kick to the head and advanced. They hissed at me and I hissed back.

"Dressssssden," one of them went. "You are a fool for entering our sssssactuary."

"Yeah, well," I said. "You've ruined my movie night."

The baby's cries grew louder in the background.

"And in the immortal words of that movie_, you shall not pass!" _I summoned a large gust of wind, and the nuns rose in the air and butted heads. They fell ungracefully to the ground, moaning in pain.

Murphy appeared by my side and was cradling the baby in her arms. She was making soothing noises to calm it down, but nothing was stopping those cries.

I looked around and saw the unconscious nuns on the floor. "And this is why I don't go to church."


End file.
